Confusion and Irritating People

Sometimes, I feel something fundamental is missing from my life. I still don’t know what it is exactly. For what I experience, like this right now, I would cry and my cheeks would flood by tears. I re-examine my feelings and emotions, but I just cannot find the source of my sadness. I feel so lonely, but from what I know, any companionship never really helps, as I never express myself to others or more over to act and talk honestly. I am being judgmental to people, sick of them, sick of myself. And after those nasty things, I would feel so tired. Am I overreacting? Am I just going through some odd hormones cycle? Am I really has one of those psychological problems? I don’t know, really.

There’s also something really odd about me. I always fascinated by a saint-like character that is pure, kindhearted, but tortured. Not that tortured, I mean being alienated by his society. I can name some of them and they are ALL fictional. Most of them are like helpless, troubled, but basically kinder than common people and usually ended tragically. Like by nasty death or something. There’s maybe only one that is real and it’s River Phoenix. Remember that Simon form Lord of the Flies? I cry a lot after seeing the movie. My heart breaks badly for a goddamn nonexistent person.

Sometimes I just cry so easily just seeing a dark sky at my balcony during sunsets. And when the wind blows chilly, it eases my mind in which way I couldn’t explain. I feel—again—like missing someone or something in times like that. Or when it’s cloudy and really dark. I don’t hate cloudy days actually; I am not a fan of sunny days. Maybe I was born for cloudy days.

These days I am fascinated by some actor named Aidan Gillen just because he’s an interesting person. He’s an introvert and he says once; “I feel not obliged to speak. I can read people and if they don’t want to speak, it’s okay”. My God, how wish I could be a friend of his! See, I have trouble not being a talkative. I don’t even know how to smile rightfully. It always becomes awkward. And people, they always disappoint me. They maybe think I am not interesting, that is okay. But when they start judge me recklessly or walk out of my line, that’s lame. I find most of people irritating. You know, like when I try to say something important, all they do is just playing their fingers on tab or goddamn blackberry. They are everywhere. It’s like having a ‘smart’ cell phone is so fundamental. I wish there are more Aidan Gillen who loves to listen more than speak useless things.